


I am sitting here, wanting memories

by lostintranslaation



Series: The Quarantine Chronicles [5]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies)
Genre: Depression, Emotional Hurt, Gen, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Peter Parker Angst, Peter Parker Needs a Hug, Post-Spider-Man: Far From Home, Right?, Suicidal Thoughts, Tony Stark Acting as Peter Parker's Parental Figure, pretty much no comfort, writing is an appropriate way to process grief
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-08
Updated: 2020-05-08
Packaged: 2021-03-02 17:33:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,953
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24080629
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lostintranslaation/pseuds/lostintranslaation
Summary: “I just feel like,” Peter paused, thinking, “I feel like I don’t have a future.” His voice was almost inaudible and it wavered in those eight words.It broke Tony.He pulled Peter closer to himself. “You do have a future, bud. And it’s going to be great.” His heart was pounding out of his chest and he prayed that Peter couldn’t hear it, even though he would have been able to even without his ear up against Tony’s chest. “Why do you feel like that’s not true?”Or,Quarantine has not been easy on everyone. Peter Parker can attest to that.
Relationships: May Parker (Spider-Man) & Peter Parker, Michelle Jones & Ned Leeds & Peter Parker, Peter Parker & Tony Stark
Series: The Quarantine Chronicles [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1673746
Comments: 20
Kudos: 123
Collections: Irondad and his Iron kids





	I am sitting here, wanting memories

**Author's Note:**

> This is not a happy work. It is not pleasant. It is not hopeful. Please read the tags if you think that you may be sensitive to triggers. If you're concerned about them, please don't read. Stay safe loves. Never forget that you are wanted, you are needed, you are loved. (I apologize in advance for the 2309583 different mediums in this fic. I tried to replicate what one would see on social media during this situation. We've got an email, prose, groupchat, instagram, more prose, and twitter. I'm sorry for my lack of decision-making skills.)
> 
> National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255
> 
> For Spencer.

_Students and families of Midtown Tech,_

_We are deeply saddened to announce the passing of a member of our Midtown family from suicide. The family of Anna Martinez would appreciate handling this matter with respect. Please do not discuss details or take to social media in speculation. If you or anyone you know is in danger of hurting themselves or others, please do not hesitate to reach out to a trusted adult, or call the toll-free National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255._

_As always, the staff here at Midtown Tech are here for whatever you may need. Please do not hesitate to reach out if you need help._

_Kind regards,_

_Principal Morita_

~

Peter startled awake, the buzzing of his phone against the desk an unwelcome alarm clock, even though it was three in the afternoon. May’s photo lit up the display and he swiped to open the call. 

_“Hey babe,”_ May’s voice was different for some reason, softer. _“Did you get an email from the school?”_ Peter refreshed the open tab on his laptop in front of him, and squeezed his eyes shut, trying to blink the sleepiness out of his vision.

“Uh, no, I don’t think so,” he rubbed his eyes with his knuckles. “What’s up?”

 _“Did you know a girl named Anna Martinez?”_ He racked his brain, searching through the faces of his classmates, trying to remember who Anna was. _Anna Martinez. Anna Martinez._

A face came to mind. She was nice. Peter didn’t have any classes with her, but she always smiled at him when they passed in the halls. “Yeah, I know her. How come?”

 _“Peter,”_ Peter’s stomach dropped. He knew that tone. It was the same tone that May and Ben had used when they picked him up from first grade one day, the day his parents were supposed to be coming home from their vacation. The same he’d had to use with May that dreadful day that a mugger decided to threaten the wrong pair of Parkers with self-sacrificial instincts to challenge even the bravest of warriors. _“The school just emailed. She took her own life this morning.”_

All Peter could say was a soft _‘oh’_ . There was noise on the other end of the line and May spoke up again. _“I’m so sorry Peter, my break just ended. But I can stay if you want me to,”_

“No, no, May. I’m fine. You go back to work. People need you.”

_“Are you sure? I’m sure the others could hold down the fort without me for a little while,”_

“No, really. I’m okay.”

_“I love you babe. I’m off in three hours. We can FaceTime tonight, if you want to.”_

“I love you too, May.” The call ended. 

Peter refreshed his email again. 

Nothing. 

And again.

Still, nothing.

He sighed and turned his calculator back on again to continue working on his calculus homework. 

~

**Ned:** Did you guys hear about Anna?

 **MJ:** Yeah

 **Peter:** Did u guys know her?

 **MJ:** She was in my intro to psych class. But we didn’t really ever talk

 **Peter:** Are u 2 doing ok? I’m here if either of u need anything

 **Ned:** Thanks Peter. I appreciate that. 

**Peter:** Np. Love u guys

~

**@bettybrant**

[A class photo of the students of Midtown Tech in front of Oscorp]

An angel was taken from us far too soon today. #flyhighbabe

**@theofficialflashthompson**

[A badly-cropped screenshot of the same Midtown Tech class photo in front of Oscorp]

RIP Anna

~

“I don’t know, Pep. I’m worried.”

Pepper looked up from her computer screen. “He’s a teenager, Tony.”

“Yeah, I know. It’s just… so unlike him. He’s hardly come out of his room at all in the past month. And his classmates’ suicide on top of that…” Tony’s voice trailed off. 

“You should go talk to him about it,” Pepper resumed typing on her laptop in front of her. 

“Maybe I will,” Tony pressed his thumb into the back of his head where a headache was forming. “Good talk, Chatty Cathy.”

Pepper’s “You know I have a major business to run, right?” echoed down the hallway as Tony knocked on Peter’s door. 

“Hey Pete, can I come in?”

No response. 

Tony cracked the door open and stuck his head in hesitantly. “Pete?”

Nothing. 

Tony pushed the door the rest of the way open to find Peter’s hunched shoulders slumped over his desk, cheek squished against his calculator, snoring softly. Tony crouched down next to him and brushed a greasy curl away from his face and Peter flinched awake at the touch with a sharp breath. 

“Welcome to the land of the living, Sleeping Beauty.” Peter blinked and whipped his head around the room. “Easy there, bud. Don’t want to give yourself whiplash,”

“What’s going on? Is everything okay?” Peter asked, confusion knitting his brows together. The imprint of the calculator’s keys remained on his cheek. 

“Everything’s okay, kiddo,” Tony said. “Just wanted to come check on you. See how you’re doing. Maybe suggest a meal or…” he glanced up at Peter’s hair, “a shower,”

“Oh,” Peter’s shoulders dropped a little. “I’m fine. Just have a lot of homework.”

“I’m sorry Pete,” Tony pulled out the extra chair and faced Peter, knees popping in protest as he straightened back out. “Didn’t your school send out an email saying that teachers weren’t supposed to assign more than two hours of work per class per week?”

Peter shrugged, trying to suppress a yawn. “I’m in five APs this year,”

“Well, hey, think about it. You’ve got two more weeks of high school, and then you’re done. Forever. Then it’s on to college.”

Peter pressed his lips together and nodded. “I’ve, uh, actually been wanting to talk to you about that.” He folded his arms over his chest. “What if I… _don’t_ go to college?” A pregnant pause follows. 

“You’ve been so excited to go to college,” Tony tried to make Peter return his gaze, but Peter just looked down at his hands. “Why are you having second thoughts?” Peter shrugged.

“I just…” he started, shrugging again. “I don’t know.” His voice was barely louder than a whisper. Tony set a hand on his shoulder and he almost missed the slight wobble of his lower lip. 

“What’s wrong, bud?” Tony matched Peter’s volume. 

“I… don’t want to.”

“Okay, that’s fine.” Tony tried to act like he didn’t see the tears welling up in Peter’s eyes. “What _do_ you want to do?”

Peter shrugged again. “I don’t know,” he bit his lip. 

Tony let him think for a moment before asking again. “What’s on your mind?” Another shrug. “Is this about Anna?”

“No… yes. I don’t know.” A tear rolled down his cheek and he wiped it away.

“Come ‘ere,” Tony pulled Peter to rest his head against his chest. “Did you know her?” He felt Peter’s head shake against his chest. 

“Not really,” Peter said. “I saw her in the hallways sometimes, but we never really talked.” Tony gave a _hmm_ in response. It was silent for a moment. 

“I just feel like,” Peter paused, thinking, “I feel like I don’t have a future.” His voice was almost inaudible and it wavered in those eight words.

It broke Tony. 

He pulled Peter closer to himself. “You do have a future, bud. And it’s going to be great.” His heart was pounding out of his chest and he prayed that Peter couldn’t hear it, even though he would have been able to even without his ear up against Tony’s chest. “Why do you feel like that’s not true?”

“I’ve been thinking a lot recently,” Peter said. “I’ve had a lot of time for it, I guess.” Tony waited for Peter to continue. His voice was thick and Tony felt his t-shirt dampen from the tears now leaking steadily from Peter’s eyes. “And… I don’t think I would be upset if I closed my eyes tonight and… and didn’t open them in the morning.”

Tears burned Tony’s eyes. A strangled _“Peter,”_ was all he could manage. A keening whine built in Peter’s throat as he bit back a sob. 

“I’m s...sorry,” Peter forced out. “I know it’s wrong.” Tony held him closer and dragged his hands through Peter’s unwashed curls. 

“You have so much ahead of you buddy,” Tony’s voice cracked, despite his best efforts to steady himself. “There are so many people who need you here. So many people who love you.” Peter let out a small whimper. “Have you been hurting yourself or planning to hurt yourself?” Tony racked his brain on all the deescalation techniques he’d learned over the years. None of them seemed right. None of them felt right. This _kid,_ this amazing _kid_ was talking about his death like it was no big deal. 

Peter shook his head. 

“What makes you think that you don’t have a future?”

A sob tore itself from Peter’s throat and Tony bit back one of his own. “Nothing makes me… excited for it.” His breath hitched. “It’s just all the s...same. Every day. I d-don’t want it.” Tony rocked Peter back and forth. “And I don’t even know what would make me happy again.” Emotion cracked Peter's voice.

“It’s okay,” Tony said despite the fact that it was not okay. Nothing was okay. The earth had been tilted off its axis and shaken to its very core because Peter couldn’t see a future for himself. “Things will get better. I promise.”

“It’s h-hard,”

“I know buddy. I know it’s hard. You just gotta hang in there for a little while. Even though it feels like it’s the hardest thing in the world, you just take it one day at a time, and after a little bit, it won’t feel so bleak.”

“I’m sorry,”

Tony shushed him and continued rubbing circles on Peter’s back, rocking back and forth and holding him tight until Peter’s hiccups had faded away and sharp puffs of breath dropped him back into sleep. 

Tony leaned forward, trying to wrestle his phone out of his pocket without disturbing Peter’s sleep. Once it was out, he dialed May’s number.

~

“Suicidal?” May tried to keep her voice down, but there was enough activity in the emergency room to drown out their conversation. Her face-shield was fogged with breath. “No, no, I just got off the phone with him a little while ago. He… he said he was fine.”

 _“Well I’m sitting here with him right now and he sure doesn’t seem fine, May. He just got done telling me that he’s not… he doesn’t see a future for himself. And that,”_ Tony paused for a moment. Icy fear flooded May’s veins underneath her sweaty scrubs and protective suit. _“And that he wouldn’t be upset if he didn’t open his eyes tomorrow morning.”_ May’s stomach sank and she felt bile rising in her throat.

“I…” there were no words to placate the situation, nothing she could say would change the facts.

_“I’m not leaving him, May. He’s safe, right now at least. But I think we do need to discuss getting him into therapy or medication, or something. He needs help.”_

“Yeah,” May’s voice came out quieter than she meant it to. “Anything he needs.”

_“Hey, listen. I know you’ve got a lot on your mind right now. But I need you to know that Peter is okay. I’m with him and I’m not leaving.”_

“Thank you, Tony.” May’s knees shook and her vision blurred.

_“No problem. We’ll talk more when you get off work.”_

“Okay.” She hung up the phone and cried. 

~

**@tonystark**

If you or anyone you know is struggling with depression or suicidal thoughts, do not hesitate to reach out to someone you trust, or call 1-800-273-8255.

**Author's Note:**

> Suicide is not a joke, kids. Please, I'm begging you, if you are experiencing depression, suicidal thoughts, or just need someone to talk to, please please please reach out to someone you know and trust, or call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, a toll-free line that is open 24/7 at 1-800-273-8255. And, as always, my tumblr messages are always open if you need someone to talk to. My url is wh0doyouthinkyouareiam. I'm happy to listen if you want to talk, chat about school or favorite books or movies or music, or even just exchange cute pictures of our pets. 
> 
> Always remember that there's nobody else on earth like you. Without you, the world is a darker place. You are so important and so so loved.


End file.
